Steps along the way... in no particular order... a very informal record of some of the journey... ... all photos by cathy t
when i was walking in the woods today i had the thought of nestling inside my own heart...
not me protecting my heart...
but instead allowing my heart to protect me...
so i climbed inside and just snuggled up and it felt so safe and loving
not me protecting my heart...
but instead allowing my heart to protect me...
so i climbed inside and just snuggled up and it felt so safe and loving
Isolation... fills the dark lonely space we yearn to escape.
Emergence... is learning to accept and explore that lonely space.
Light... radiates from the dance within that space of acceptance.
Fearless Light... is what shines each step...
Herein lie my little steps toward that Fearless Light...
my particular isolation was intensified when in 2011 my body magnified decades of unacknowledged stress right back at me in the form of chronic fatigue syndrome... to the degree that I could no longer concentrate, think, talk, sit upright, read, comprehend, walk more than a few steps...
fatigue so debilitating I did not even have the strength to react to the fear it engendered at losing all my faculties and having to literally just STOP everything
it seemed ironic that this happened to me at a moment when I really thought I'd finally got my life on track... I was a fully fledged member of an established retreat centre in a beautiful part of France... I had already decided that I would spend the rest of my life devoted to lay practice, commuting between Ireland and France with visits to my family in England and Scotland in between...
I had bought a tiny flat on the Kent coast to rent out which would help pay for the food and necessary supplements the retreat centre could not provide, never dreaming that a few months later I would have to give up my lay practice, leave France, and live in it myself to begin a journey to recovery that still continues...
in my well moments a feisty inner Fearless Light flashed up urgent messages...
this is NOT the end! ... it's your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get all this pain out! ... teach yourself to paint!... use your creative mind to get your health and your life back! ... do you really want to spend the rest of your life in isolation rather than dare to be who your really are?!
this is a portfolio of some of that dance back to my own light on this journey to recovery... and eventually back home to Scotland and my own wholeness
Emergence... is learning to accept and explore that lonely space.
Light... radiates from the dance within that space of acceptance.
Fearless Light... is what shines each step...
Herein lie my little steps toward that Fearless Light...
my particular isolation was intensified when in 2011 my body magnified decades of unacknowledged stress right back at me in the form of chronic fatigue syndrome... to the degree that I could no longer concentrate, think, talk, sit upright, read, comprehend, walk more than a few steps...
fatigue so debilitating I did not even have the strength to react to the fear it engendered at losing all my faculties and having to literally just STOP everything
it seemed ironic that this happened to me at a moment when I really thought I'd finally got my life on track... I was a fully fledged member of an established retreat centre in a beautiful part of France... I had already decided that I would spend the rest of my life devoted to lay practice, commuting between Ireland and France with visits to my family in England and Scotland in between...
I had bought a tiny flat on the Kent coast to rent out which would help pay for the food and necessary supplements the retreat centre could not provide, never dreaming that a few months later I would have to give up my lay practice, leave France, and live in it myself to begin a journey to recovery that still continues...
in my well moments a feisty inner Fearless Light flashed up urgent messages...
this is NOT the end! ... it's your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get all this pain out! ... teach yourself to paint!... use your creative mind to get your health and your life back! ... do you really want to spend the rest of your life in isolation rather than dare to be who your really are?!
this is a portfolio of some of that dance back to my own light on this journey to recovery... and eventually back home to Scotland and my own wholeness
updated July 2020
Khandro Tsering Chodron, practising Chime Phakme Nyingtik with us in Lerab Ling at the 3 year retreat, 2007.
Khandro-la was... and still is... my greatest refuge in this crazy old world... a perfect example of humility and strength combined, of how to be completely oneself in any situation, never succumbing to the opinions and whims of others, unswayed by anything other than devotion to the true nature of reality.
At the very least I am reminded to aspire to this, and at the very best there are glimpses of my true self when I am completely unafraid to be truly me.
So fortunate to have shared 4 years with her earthly presence...
Gesar prosperity practice... 2008
This is one of the simpler torma offerings, made of tsampa (barley flour) and butter, and decorated with white, yellow, green and red kargyen (a mixture of beeswax and ghee). On the right of the photo you can see the smoke from the firepit, into which many offerings were made. |
I love the way the sunlight fractions off here into delicate lace shadows as it pours in through the patio-door. This was one of the places I spent in solitary retreat in the crisp French winters. 2008/9 |
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Pansies in full sun in a window-box size garden I made in a corner of the (very hot!) balcony outside one of the retreat rooms. I lived in this one for 3 years... The balcony was bare at the beginning. Over time I carried back earth, pebbles, seeds and plants to brighten it up. My sweet niece Elle chose these beautiful pansy seeds and sent them to me... they are so joyous! 2010 |
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watercolour trees in blossom
2014
This is a very spontaneous expression of joy and delight on a day that started with me feeling very low and lonely. I decided to drive over to my old art class during their coffee break, for some welcome company and some respite from myself...
They were painting trees and invited me to stay for the last 40 minutes of the class...
this painting always makes me smile... :)
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faded prayer flags against the soft dusky Himalayan sky
Bir, India 2011 This journey to India was a labour of love... the last great push before the soon to come full-blown energetic crash... in its vast, spacious, all-accepting way India clearly whispered to me that my body needed REST... most of the trip was spent horizontal, motionless, recharging my depleting energy battery... but I am so so glad that I made it there... whatever it takes, one day I'll be back... |
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29th December 2018
cognitive function returns
blurring unhurriedly back into focus
like these water forget-me-nots from the summertime
isolation
hiding
deep
inner space
false refuge
loneliness
fear
aloneness
painful
hollow
cognitive function returns
blurring unhurriedly back into focus
like these water forget-me-nots from the summertime
isolation
hiding
deep
inner space
false refuge
loneliness
fear
aloneness
painful
hollow
emergence
what if?
just peek.
look...
see...
accept
enquire
be curious
investigate
make friends
- light
relief
reward
surprise
treasures
shines
reliable
endless source
is this me?!
liberation